....and we're back. after an extended (fill in the blank) break :]
October has arrived in Boston but Fall has not.
This time last year snow was falling in the commons. The weather is kind of absurd here, but it kind of makes me love the city all the more.
When I was younger, I would always have an imaginary soundtrack playing in the background of my subconscious for every momentous or joyous occasion. For autumn it has always always always been September by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Obvious choice, I know but I never tire of that introductory guitar riff followed by the brass coming in with gusto and then that snap inducing hook! Ba de yaaaaa!! Say do you remember?
Of course I do.
But I don't hear the music anymore. Maybe it's a sign of my age, jadedness, or most likely, loss of imaginative capacity due to the tremendous cognitive demand of grad school.
I was talking to an old friend today about identity protection. Not the financial kind, but the personal kind. The idea of losing personality traits once thought unique, to others for whom the adage "imitation is the truest form of flattery" really holds true. We are so adamant that we are unique, that only we could enjoy this particular constellation of hobbies or interests. And we selfishly, pridefully, and unsuccessfully guard our sense of self by casting those others as "poseurs" and ourselves as the real deals.
I have been feeling pretty jaded and crummy about church community and fellowship lately. Of all places and people, I find church and the people there to be the most difficult to engage, to commune with, to be "no white hat and gloves" candid with. I really don't blame non-christians for disliking us or rejecting the church (I said the church, not Christ mind you). We are but a sad and sorry reflection.
Even after a year attending and serving at the same church, I am still someone or something or other. Someone likened to someone else. Something about me likened to something about someone else. Someone or something or other than me.
Not to say that everyone at this church (which will remain anonymous - hahaha...oy) is this way. I have a few good friends, which is truly more than I deserve. I still don't feel as though I can claim this church as my own. There is a cockroach mentality pretty much everywhere you go, like as to like, you know how it goes. Everyone tries to maintain a modicum of propriety and decorum when greeting others in a public setting, particularly a church. But once the obligatory duties have been performed, everyone crawls back into their safe dark corners with those who are like-minded, in a similar stage of life, or something or other.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to be surrounded by people who are just like me. I don't want to live in an ever tightening concentric circle of like-minded cockroaches. Where is the growth? Where is the challenge? Where is the grace? Where is the love?
Giving credit where it's due.. This is one of my favorite quotations by John Newton.
"I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am."
— John Newton
