....and we're back. after an extended (fill in the blank) break :]
October has arrived in Boston but Fall has not.
This time last year snow was falling in the commons. The weather is kind of absurd here, but it kind of makes me love the city all the more.
When I was younger, I would always have an imaginary soundtrack playing in the background of my subconscious for every momentous or joyous occasion. For autumn it has always always always been September by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Obvious choice, I know but I never tire of that introductory guitar riff followed by the brass coming in with gusto and then that snap inducing hook! Ba de yaaaaa!! Say do you remember?
Of course I do.
But I don't hear the music anymore. Maybe it's a sign of my age, jadedness, or most likely, loss of imaginative capacity due to the tremendous cognitive demand of grad school.
I was talking to an old friend today about identity protection. Not the financial kind, but the personal kind. The idea of losing personality traits once thought unique, to others for whom the adage "imitation is the truest form of flattery" really holds true. We are so adamant that we are unique, that only we could enjoy this particular constellation of hobbies or interests. And we selfishly, pridefully, and unsuccessfully guard our sense of self by casting those others as "poseurs" and ourselves as the real deals.
I have been feeling pretty jaded and crummy about church community and fellowship lately. Of all places and people, I find church and the people there to be the most difficult to engage, to commune with, to be "no white hat and gloves" candid with. I really don't blame non-christians for disliking us or rejecting the church (I said the church, not Christ mind you). We are but a sad and sorry reflection.
Even after a year attending and serving at the same church, I am still someone or something or other. Someone likened to someone else. Something about me likened to something about someone else. Someone or something or other than me.
Not to say that everyone at this church (which will remain anonymous - hahaha...oy) is this way. I have a few good friends, which is truly more than I deserve. I still don't feel as though I can claim this church as my own. There is a cockroach mentality pretty much everywhere you go, like as to like, you know how it goes. Everyone tries to maintain a modicum of propriety and decorum when greeting others in a public setting, particularly a church. But once the obligatory duties have been performed, everyone crawls back into their safe dark corners with those who are like-minded, in a similar stage of life, or something or other.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to be surrounded by people who are just like me. I don't want to live in an ever tightening concentric circle of like-minded cockroaches. Where is the growth? Where is the challenge? Where is the grace? Where is the love?
Giving credit where it's due.. This is one of my favorite quotations by John Newton.
"I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am."
— John Newton
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
musings with jonah and the buggles.
We hear the playback and it seems so long ago.
And you remember the jingles used to go.
Today I celebrate my one year anniversary.
with Boston that is :]
I've done a very poor job of updating this blog. I had hoped that this space would provide a sort of catharsis/documentation of my trials and (mis)adventures as a graduate student in the Hub. Alas, it didn't quite work out that way as my last entry is "post"marked from July of last year. OY.
This past year was so many things:
- Academically DEMANDING.
- Exhausting(cognitively, emotionally, physically)
- Stimulating(intellectually, academically, culturally, socially, and spiritually) but not all at the same time interestingly enough.
I'm not sure if all graduate students feel this way, but I felt like clinic and academics consumed me, chewed me up, swallowed me, regurgitated me, and swallowed me again like some sort of indigestible cud in the mouth of the larger framework of higher learning.
Speaking of being swallowed whole, we're currently learning about the story of Jonah and the whale, or re-learning rather, in the Children's ministry at CityLife. And though I didn't refuse to go to Ninevah (not that Boston is Ninevah in this scenario), como Jonah, I still didn't truly embrace His will in my life. And yet, as passive-aggressive as I am at seeking Him out, He continues to seek me still.
Amazing. His Grace that is.
1 From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:
"In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
3 You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
4 I said, 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
5 The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.
7 "When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
8 "Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD."
10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.
Jonah 2:1-10
It's the first of July already and the fourth is already nipping on our heels! Am quite excited to spend it the traditional way: with a picnic and good company.
Have just finished a final so am not quite coherent, but all this to say...
Happy one year Boston. It's been a good one :]
Here's to hoping I'm better about documenting our second year together than I did our first.
<3,
J
And you remember the jingles used to go.
Today I celebrate my one year anniversary.
with Boston that is :]
I've done a very poor job of updating this blog. I had hoped that this space would provide a sort of catharsis/documentation of my trials and (mis)adventures as a graduate student in the Hub. Alas, it didn't quite work out that way as my last entry is "post"marked from July of last year. OY.
This past year was so many things:
- Academically DEMANDING.
- Exhausting(cognitively, emotionally, physically)
- Stimulating(intellectually, academically, culturally, socially, and spiritually) but not all at the same time interestingly enough.
I'm not sure if all graduate students feel this way, but I felt like clinic and academics consumed me, chewed me up, swallowed me, regurgitated me, and swallowed me again like some sort of indigestible cud in the mouth of the larger framework of higher learning.
Speaking of being swallowed whole, we're currently learning about the story of Jonah and the whale, or re-learning rather, in the Children's ministry at CityLife. And though I didn't refuse to go to Ninevah (not that Boston is Ninevah in this scenario), como Jonah, I still didn't truly embrace His will in my life. And yet, as passive-aggressive as I am at seeking Him out, He continues to seek me still.
Amazing. His Grace that is.
1 From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. 2 He said:
"In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
3 You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
4 I said, 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
5 The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.
7 "When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
8 "Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD."
10 And the LORD commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.
Jonah 2:1-10
It's the first of July already and the fourth is already nipping on our heels! Am quite excited to spend it the traditional way: with a picnic and good company.
Have just finished a final so am not quite coherent, but all this to say...
Happy one year Boston. It's been a good one :]
Here's to hoping I'm better about documenting our second year together than I did our first.
<3,
J
Sunday, July 19, 2009
head over heels.
dunno why but am suddenly struck with sudden rush of joy and gratefulness for my bounty of amazing splendiforous friends.
so thought it appropriate to write it down while i still have it fresh on the brain and heart :]
in no particular order...the loves of my life :]
bea bear: ah my refreshing, irreverent, witty, puppy with big bark who helps me think outside of the box and even deconstruct it into loop de loops of whimsy at times. you help me to expand my horizons both literally and metaphorically. i love exploring books, FOOD, thoughts both old and new, and places with you. my mountain who continually seeks this hermity mohammed out, je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime. :]
monies: monica. mon. pokeMon. moni. moniezz. $$. my sister from another mother :] strange how we haphephobic(fear of being touched) passive-aggressive folk stick together so well despite our negative magnetic charges. thank you for letting out your closet weirdo and being comfortable with all my dirty laundry too. for being my friend even after enduring two years of living with me :]. for eating at the same sushi joint for 3 days in a row with me. for doing those little mom things no one asks you to do, but doing them anyways. because you care. i love you so much BODI! :]
nachopoleon: oh nacho. my comfortable nap-on-a-lazy-sunday buddy :] you spell home for me. not in the sense of a particular place, but in that you're someone i can just sit with in silence and still leave feeling like we've had the best conversation ever. you have such a beautiful heart despite everything life has thrown your way, and i see you. i see you :]
dexter: mine :] thanks for letting me be all that i am and all that i'm not and taking it all in good stride. for being my foil and my support stand. for doing that funky dance you do just to make me crack a smile. for providing for my needs both apparent and not so apparent. for putting me to shame with your domestic prowess. for loving me..for loving me.
msm aka joann: my uber smart and eccentric soul mate and oldest friend. i am so thankful for you in my life. you don't even know. actually, you do know. you are msm after all :] you are so many things joann. smart, funny, loving, artistically inclined, a martha stewart in the kitchen, and the list goes on... but there is one thing i am most thankful for. it is a rare and beautiful thing to find a friend who will not only tell you the truth, but the truth in grace. and i think i've found that in you. thank you for simultaneously being my Q&A kiosk and sister who pushes me to have a more beautiful heart. i seriously don't know where i would be without you. i love you. (see! i used the L word :])
tina: my little ms. do-it-all :] if ever there was someone to be doctor/soccer mom/lawyer/extraordinaire and in style!...it would be you. though we are as different as day and night both physically and emotionally (note skin and height differences and color preferences), we were meant to be. knit together since the day your hamster shat on our group project in the seventh grade :] thank you for continually seeking me out even when i didn't want to be found. for listening when i didn't think i needed to talk. for teaching me to drive on a deserted parking lot amongst a flock of either the most stupid or most foolhardy pigeons i've ever encountered! for being the llama to my ham :] i tree you.
care bear: oh care. how much you have dealt with because of me. my "shero" replete with shining umbrella during downpours both literal and metaphorical. you were/are so much to me and i hope you know that. no matter how much things may change, i will never let you run yourself into a wall ;) i promise. <3, the other half of the banana.
ahnie ahnie: my beautiful, resilient, passionate, servant-hearted, and dorky counterpart. though you're currently serving the underserved in the armpit of africa aka oonga oonga land aka togo, i hope you read this someday. you may call yourself dark and twisty, but everytime i talk to you i am amazed by how you do/endure all that you do, seeking God all the while. annie, you've taught me more about grace and seeking God in our brokenness than anyone i know. i hope you know that. i love you, my brave girl <3
ehnie eggie/unni: not so baby anymore, but my dongseng always :] annie love, you are an inspiration. you don't take life sitting down. you seek people out, seek out answers to problems you may face, take the initiative but always in that genuine article way that is so quintessentially annie cohi choi. case in point: first time we ever met. you: hoicie, can we like date?? :] you always keep yourself moving and can find beauty even in a place like LA. :] thank you for being my la tour guide and for continually forcing this crabby hermit a little more out of her shell (ever since we first met!) coeur. :]
april aka buddy: oh love. so humble, so giving, and so gosh darn stubborn! you are so beautiful to me my friend. for someone so little, you put the responsibility of the world on your shoulders. even while on crutches! thank you for letting me into your world, psycho type ab though i may be :] i'm still sad that we're not living our lives together in seattle as we'd hoped. as i'm sure you are too. :] i kid. i love you friend. and am here for you whenever you know. that al green song. :]
thank you Lord for these blessings in my life.
so thought it appropriate to write it down while i still have it fresh on the brain and heart :]
in no particular order...the loves of my life :]
bea bear: ah my refreshing, irreverent, witty, puppy with big bark who helps me think outside of the box and even deconstruct it into loop de loops of whimsy at times. you help me to expand my horizons both literally and metaphorically. i love exploring books, FOOD, thoughts both old and new, and places with you. my mountain who continually seeks this hermity mohammed out, je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime. :]
monies: monica. mon. pokeMon. moni. moniezz. $$. my sister from another mother :] strange how we haphephobic(fear of being touched) passive-aggressive folk stick together so well despite our negative magnetic charges. thank you for letting out your closet weirdo and being comfortable with all my dirty laundry too. for being my friend even after enduring two years of living with me :]. for eating at the same sushi joint for 3 days in a row with me. for doing those little mom things no one asks you to do, but doing them anyways. because you care. i love you so much BODI! :]
nachopoleon: oh nacho. my comfortable nap-on-a-lazy-sunday buddy :] you spell home for me. not in the sense of a particular place, but in that you're someone i can just sit with in silence and still leave feeling like we've had the best conversation ever. you have such a beautiful heart despite everything life has thrown your way, and i see you. i see you :]
dexter: mine :] thanks for letting me be all that i am and all that i'm not and taking it all in good stride. for being my foil and my support stand. for doing that funky dance you do just to make me crack a smile. for providing for my needs both apparent and not so apparent. for putting me to shame with your domestic prowess. for loving me..for loving me.
msm aka joann: my uber smart and eccentric soul mate and oldest friend. i am so thankful for you in my life. you don't even know. actually, you do know. you are msm after all :] you are so many things joann. smart, funny, loving, artistically inclined, a martha stewart in the kitchen, and the list goes on... but there is one thing i am most thankful for. it is a rare and beautiful thing to find a friend who will not only tell you the truth, but the truth in grace. and i think i've found that in you. thank you for simultaneously being my Q&A kiosk and sister who pushes me to have a more beautiful heart. i seriously don't know where i would be without you. i love you. (see! i used the L word :])
tina: my little ms. do-it-all :] if ever there was someone to be doctor/soccer mom/lawyer/extraordinaire and in style!...it would be you. though we are as different as day and night both physically and emotionally (note skin and height differences and color preferences), we were meant to be. knit together since the day your hamster shat on our group project in the seventh grade :] thank you for continually seeking me out even when i didn't want to be found. for listening when i didn't think i needed to talk. for teaching me to drive on a deserted parking lot amongst a flock of either the most stupid or most foolhardy pigeons i've ever encountered! for being the llama to my ham :] i tree you.
care bear: oh care. how much you have dealt with because of me. my "shero" replete with shining umbrella during downpours both literal and metaphorical. you were/are so much to me and i hope you know that. no matter how much things may change, i will never let you run yourself into a wall ;) i promise. <3, the other half of the banana.
ahnie ahnie: my beautiful, resilient, passionate, servant-hearted, and dorky counterpart. though you're currently serving the underserved in the armpit of africa aka oonga oonga land aka togo, i hope you read this someday. you may call yourself dark and twisty, but everytime i talk to you i am amazed by how you do/endure all that you do, seeking God all the while. annie, you've taught me more about grace and seeking God in our brokenness than anyone i know. i hope you know that. i love you, my brave girl <3
ehnie eggie/unni: not so baby anymore, but my dongseng always :] annie love, you are an inspiration. you don't take life sitting down. you seek people out, seek out answers to problems you may face, take the initiative but always in that genuine article way that is so quintessentially annie cohi choi. case in point: first time we ever met. you: hoicie, can we like date?? :] you always keep yourself moving and can find beauty even in a place like LA. :] thank you for being my la tour guide and for continually forcing this crabby hermit a little more out of her shell (ever since we first met!) coeur. :]
april aka buddy: oh love. so humble, so giving, and so gosh darn stubborn! you are so beautiful to me my friend. for someone so little, you put the responsibility of the world on your shoulders. even while on crutches! thank you for letting me into your world, psycho type ab though i may be :] i'm still sad that we're not living our lives together in seattle as we'd hoped. as i'm sure you are too. :] i kid. i love you friend. and am here for you whenever you know. that al green song. :]
thank you Lord for these blessings in my life.
Friday, July 03, 2009
bahstanian.
okay at least that's my attempt at it :]
it's the night before the fourth in my new home: boston a.k.a. the cradle of liberty and reality has still not set in.
correction: it is home TO the cradle of liberty - fanhueil hall
what a difference a preposition makes... (sung to the tune of "what a difference a day makes)
moms is perched on the bed still working on that last corn cob. (oh how we, er rather I, suffered lugging those 15 million corn cobs home...) the moms loves her corn you know.
no real cohesive and concrete perspectives on this new living situation yet, as have spent last few days running errands as opposed to exploring. unpacking, shopping for household necessities and food, cooking, and cleaning. in that order.
also, threats both real and unfulfilled of heavy rain and t-storms (IN JULY!! holy crap! toto.. we sure ain't in cali anymore..) persuaded us to maintain our self-imposed house arrest for a few days as well.
aside from all of that though, i am loving the new digs. what with cathedral windows, spiral stairwells, reading rooms galore, checkerboard tile, and pups more closely resembling curly teddies than canines...what have i got to complain about? :]
so anyway. on the cusp of the fourth of julio in this year of 2009, i say cheers friends! and happy 233rd birthday America! flawed though you may be, there's no place i'd rather be :]
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Monday, September 15, 2008
humble pie.
1 John 4:7-21
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot [1] love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.
grow me Lord.
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot [1] love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.
grow me Lord.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
a belated hello.
hello
and yes, i'm alive. unthinkable that this blog has sat here in cyberspace neglected and wasting away for nearing four years. it used to be that i was addicted to this type of thing. there is a strange sort of appeal to documenting and posting to the whole wide cyberworld to see - all those private and sundry things you'd never or wouldn't say in a three dimensional reality. i was sort of drawn to the idea that no one, anyone, or a particular someone might come across what i'd written and think ... well, who knows what they'd think, so long as they thought it.
it's funny. i used to use my weblog as an opportunity to waste time. and now? to fill it. its amazing what havoc a few months, weeks, days can wreak upon the status quo of a person's life. so much change, and simultaneously, none at all.
well, let's see if ms.vague can be a little more specific. four years of undergraduate study, 224 academic units, and one hard earned diploma later...
i find myself in twentysomething limbo.
and yes, i'm alive. unthinkable that this blog has sat here in cyberspace neglected and wasting away for nearing four years. it used to be that i was addicted to this type of thing. there is a strange sort of appeal to documenting and posting to the whole wide cyberworld to see - all those private and sundry things you'd never or wouldn't say in a three dimensional reality. i was sort of drawn to the idea that no one, anyone, or a particular someone might come across what i'd written and think ... well, who knows what they'd think, so long as they thought it.
it's funny. i used to use my weblog as an opportunity to waste time. and now? to fill it. its amazing what havoc a few months, weeks, days can wreak upon the status quo of a person's life. so much change, and simultaneously, none at all.
well, let's see if ms.vague can be a little more specific. four years of undergraduate study, 224 academic units, and one hard earned diploma later...
i find myself in twentysomething limbo.
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